This time my leaving DevianArt is... different than before. Why am I leaving?

That's why.

Confused? Heh, even I am, still.
All I'll tell you is, this woman nearly caused my death. Not my physical death, but my spiritual death. She broke my heart, and it hurt so bad that I'd given up all will to live any longer.
Luckily for me, someone (actually multiple someones) told me that she isn't worth my death.

Well, I didn't want to think that way because I still loved her, but now as some time has passed, I see now that they were right.
I mean, it's obvious now that she never cared for me at all. And that being the case, what good would my death bring? She'd just shrug it off as another reason to have left me. She'd think, "he's a suicidal jerk who cares for no one but himself," even though if I were to die, it would not be any form of suicide at all.
This heartbreak, in a way, could almost be seen as an attempt at murder on her part.

But you see, I'm not a mean selfish jerk like she thinks I am. And I'm not a cruel, heartless and relentless person like she is. She broke up with me for one real reason, and any other reason is only an added thing.
She broke up with me because she was afraid, and because she didn't really love me. She was lying to me the entire 9 months that she new me.

What was she afraid of? She was afraid of travel to a new country to be with a person whom she obviously didn't really love anyway.
She was afraid that she might not like what she finds when she would get here, even though she knew me more than anyone else in the world. She knew me COMPLETELY, there was nothing to hide, and thus she had nothing to fear in this aspect.
She was afraid of commitment.
And she was afraid of the possibility of heartbreak.

But isn't that really selfish and mean? To break up with someone before they break up with you because you're afraid of being broken up with? Even though there wasn't a chance in this world that I would break up with her.

You see, I couldn't have broken up with her. Because I made a promise to her never to break up with her, never to even suggest breaking up with her, never to leave her side--you get the picture.
And, so what? MOST women these days don't trust men or their promises. I've been told by many women since the break up that it's really "cool" how important my promises are to me. They said that most people just say things without really meaning them, they make promises and then break them like it was nothing.
Well, the only promise that I'm going to break, and it's one she FORCED me to break (otherwise I really would die), is the promise that I would stay in this house and wait for her to arrive. I promised her that I would wait for her before I moved to Kitchener/Waterloo. Well, if I did that, guess what happens? The house gets sold, all the stuff gets sent to our new home, someone moves in this house, and I'm stuck sitting outside in the yard forever and ever, waiting for someone who's never going to show up. Think about it, that WOULD lead to my death.

So, as much as it pains me to break that promise... I gotta say, it's not entirely painful. Why? Because...
NOT ONLY did I promise never to leave her, but SHE also promised never to leave me in the same way. AND, I asked her how much her promises mean to her and, here's the best part, she LIED and said that they are as important to her as mine are to me. LIEZ. Because she broke up with me. She promised me she'd never leave me, and just like that, she did.
So, one broken promise on each of our ends. As much as I'd hate to say it, "we're even". Guh... that makes me sound evil and heartless... I tell you the truth, simply hearing myself say that makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Which isn't really fair, in it's own way, cause although I've felt so sick and so much inner pain because of all this, she has felt nothing. She didn't and doesn't care how much pain I was in and still am in. And that proves that she never really loved me.


So why am I still here, you ask? Why did I not die like I said I would? I've said countless times to her before that being without her would mean my death, so why am I still living?
Because, as I said, I'm not so heartless and cruel as she is. I've got friends left that would feel just as much pain as I did if I were to simply die and be out of their lives, and it is those friends that kept me alive, supported my soul as a hospital might support a person's body when they are on the brink of death. It is for those friends that I am still living.

But how did I get over Robyn so fast when she only just broke up with me a few days ago? How did I get over her so fast when most people take months to even years to get over someone?
Well, I guess I just have a really strong willpower. She WANTED me to die (part of the "bonus" to breaking up with me. Best way to kill someone and be able to get away with it completely, no laws getting in the way), so how can I simply allow someone like that to get what they want? If I died, simply left this world, she'd "win," and not only that, but she might go on to get together with other men, open them up, and stab them in the heart like she did me. I can't allow that to happen. If I can stay living, then I can pass on what has happened to me as experience and wisdom to others who would get into a relationship with her. I've got to save anyone I can from the pain and misery she's inflicted upon me.
And, because I don't want to cause that same pain to those that still care about me.


So why am I still leaving DeviantArt, then? If I just said that I'd stay and try to save others from the pain she's cause me and not to leave those that still care about me, then why leave DA? Simply put, I'm never really here anyway, but I am on FA, and most of my friends here are also on FA, but best of all, doesn't appear to be going on FA anymore, likely cause I'm always there and she wants to be rid of me.
Thus, sticking with FA is like a stronghold where she is not there to hurt us.

And as another reason for my leaving DA, though I no longer "love" her as I once did because of all the pain she's brought me, I still care about her, and I forgive her for all that she's done to me. You see, I... often blame myself for things that are not my fault... too often, actually. Add to that that I often assume the worst case scenario (which is likely my WORST aspect). But I know that my being here really does bug her. I know, that's not my fault, but it is something I can prevent, and thus staying when I can prevent it is my fault. If I can make the choice to do something for the better, and don't make that choice, it becomes my fault. My responsibility if you will. So, because I still care about her, even enough to say that I still love her, just... don't long to be with her anymore, ya know? And because I still care about her, I don't want to be a bother to her anymore. So I'm leaving... for her.

Yes, for her. I know how bad she's hurt me, and I know that I should just forget her and move on, and I KNOW that giving something up for her, even something as small as being on DA, isn't right and isn't fair on me, but... heh, yeah... that's me still caring about her. You can call me foolish if you'd like, but ALL I want for her is to be happy. If my being gone is what makes her happy, then so help me god, I'm gone. The ONLY thing I won't do to make her happy is just die... I won't give that same pain to my friends as she gave me. I won't cause a "ripple" effect of pain and suffering just to make her happy that I am dead and out of her life.
Sure, I care about her and I'd do almost anything she asks of me, but... I can't devote ALL my life and time to her. No. I USED to be able to devote all my life to her, when I thought she actually loved me. But not anymore. Now, since the truth about her true feelings towards me has been made clear, I'm giving most of my time and attention to those that REALLY care about me: my friends.

You guys and girls. Those who are taking the time to read this because you really care about me, and you're worried about how I'm feeling right now.
I thank you all for your great love and care.
I owe you all so much.
But... if I am to return the love to you, I have one last thing to ask:
That you allow me to return that love in a different manner, likely though FurAffinity.net, or some other means of communication. I'm on FA at least once a day now, sometimes twice. So if you have an account there, hit me up. My account name there is the same as here, "Kraton".

I'm also found on GaiaOnline.com, with many accounts (7), but most I don't use. Most of them are there for Roleplaying purposes, in order to have a different look and feel to my posts when I'm playing as different characters.
However if you want to find me and contact me, look for two account names:
`Kraton
Matt Luke Haddock
Those two are the ones I'm on every day, one being my Guild Captain account which represents me as ME, and the other is my "main" I guess you could call it. I use it to represent me as Kraton. What Kraton looks like can vary a bit, but otherwise he's my fursona; my anthropomorphic self, a fantasy version of me. Now, Kraton isn't actually ME. He's not exactly like me in every way because he's had some different events in his lifetime, but otherwise he's exactly like me in personality and heart. I roleplay as him with every decision made as what I would do in that circumstance and at that time and place. In essence, yes, he is me, but when looking to speak to ME me, getting past the furry to the real man's heart...
You'd be speaking to Matt. That is who I am, and that won't change.


If there is any other place that you frequent that you'd like to use to keep in contact with me, let me know. You never know, I might already have an account on that site. ^_^


And, to wrap this up, Yeah I was badly hurt, yes I'm leaving DA, BUT that's not the same as leaving your lives completely. It's just a site, that's all.

I WILL be in now and again to check for messages because some of you won't be able to contact me any other way, that's understandable. But I will be as a ghost of my former self. I'll check messages and that's all. No submissions, no journals, no polls, just user page shouts and notes. And even still, I won't be in long enough to keep a constant conversation going, only long enough to get small notices like, "hey Kraton, I'm on FA now, too! Here's my account name. Let's talk on there!" or something.
AND, I will be avoiding as much as possible, because I know she doesn't want to even hear of my existance anymore, so I'm avoiding her for her.

Well, um.. That is that, then. Thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from many of you with notice of alternative sites that you and I share in common.
Remember, gaiaonline.com and furaffinity.net are the two I frequent most. There MAY be more already that I didn't speak of because I don't frequent them as much (like myspace).
And finally, if you don't have any way at all to contact me, my email address is still kratonthefox@hotmail.com